Love… Self… Freedom: Part 2… Worth

The song behind this post is by a young lady name, Casey J. The song is called Journal. This song speaks to something that is a challenge for many; something that isn’t necessarily spoken about but is a challenge daily. Worth. And not just worth in general, but self worth. The one question we don’t necessarily ask of ourselves, what is my worth?

For many years, I wondered what is my worth? What value do I have have? What positive impact do I have? Do I really love myself? The truth of the matter is, at 37 years old, I still wrestle with this. More so now than ever. It’s interesting… when we are younger, things tend to roll off of us or so we think. But as I am getting older, I am realizing that isn’t always the case. I can still recall from childhood things that hurt my feelings. Growing up timid… afraid… Being in my 20’s doing whatever I wanted to do and thinking, I have it all together, finally. Now at 37, I realize I don’t. I think I mentioned it in the last post, but the worse critic is the person staring back you in the mirror.

For me, it’s so true. Because the bottomline is… I have made mistakes, I’ve failed at times, I have hurt and been hurt, I have come up short… and while that is part of being human and a christian… for me to find the balance; sometimes… sometimes it is truly difficult. There are days, on the outside, I’m on cloud 20+… all along on the inside… I’m in the thick of darkness.

I am reminded of a recurring dream that I’ve had since I was a little boy. I’m home (at my parents’ house typically) and I know it’s home, but it is completely dark. So dark to where I can’t even see my own hand in front of me. I move to the left or right… the darkness continues. The dream always would end with me seeing this small speck of light; almost like a tv is on, but its not a tv. Over the years the dream has progress; to where now… I can feel a coldness or hear many voices… but always that light is there. Over the years, I paid attention to that light more and it was like a level of peace and love would come over me; while in the midst of the darkness… the coldness… the voices…

Still to this day, I still have that dream and like when I was 5 or 6, still to this day … it shakes me from the inside out. Over the years, I began to interpret and try to understand what it may mean. I think that maybe there is some type of greatness over my life to where the darkness … the coldness… the voices… are distractions, pain, hurts, past, and so much more.

The song however, sums up everything… There’s one part in the song that really hits home for me…

“You know me completely… And yet You love me so deeply”

Amazing… to think in all of my mess… in all of my ways that are not like God… in all the self deprecation… the darkness… God still loves me. God still wants to use me. God still chooses me. And to be real… I don’t deserve any of it. Many times, I feel unworthy… like a failure. Life for me so far hasn’t been bad, but internally, it’s been rough. At times, for me to believe what God thinks of me is challenging, because of my mindset. Somedays, I try to go look myself in the mirror and say to myself, “You are a child of God… You are amazing… Your mistakes, your pain, your past do not solely define you… You are enough…” Hard to accept that times when you are so use to saying to yourself, but you are a failure… but you missed the mark… but you’re not enough…

But God… He reminds of something that I have received every second of the day…

God says that:

You are valuable… “You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)” …

You are a new creature… “In my eyes, you are a brand new creation. The old has passed away; the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17)”

You have My Spirit… “Don’t live by your own power or understanding. No, live by my Spirit within you (Zechariah 4:6; Proverbs 3:5)”. “Remember, I have given you the Holy Spirit to be with you and in you (Romans 5:5; John 14:17)”. “The Spirit will guide you into all truth, help you to obey me, and empower you to do my work (John 16:7, 13; Acts 1:8; Galatians 5:16)”.

You will be transformed… “As you seek me and see more of my glory, I am transforming you into the image of my Son (2 Corinthians 3:18; Exodus 33:18)”

You represent Me… “Therefore, walk in a manner worthy of your calling (Ephesians 4:1)”. “You are no longer darkness, but light in my Son. Walk as children of light (Ephesians 5:8)”. “You are the light of the world, a city set on a hill (Matthew 5:14)”. “I have called you (2 Peter 1:3)”. “I have chosen you (Revelation 17:14)”. “You are now a saint, a servant, a steward, and a soldier (Romans 1:7; Acts 26:16; 1 Peter 4:10; 2 Timothy 2:3)”.

Even with these reminders, it is still indeed a challenge. There are still days I second guess my worth. Goals that I have…If I am of value period. But God is faithful… God reminds me each day, that I am His Child and that He loves me unconditionally. Now the key is to apply this and love myself unconditionally. Bits and pieces that is occurring…

This process is not something I can fully articulate… Just have to keep moving.

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God,

I thank You for who You are. For Your Love, Your Joy, Your Peace. Thank you… I have no clue from day-to-day how I will maneuver on this journey. Often times I ask, why was I given this life? Why not another life? Often times, I ask am I really equipped for this life?Am I really worthy of all that You want for me? What is it that You want for me lol? A lot of questions… But I have to make an effort to trust You God. Help me to trust You… Help to better than yesterday and to be a better person on the next day. Help me to always see myself the way You see me… Help me to love myself as You love me.

Help me to affirm myself as You affirm me. I’m grateful for others that do these things; however, it means nothing if I can’t do for myself as well. God… help me to be who call me to be… whatever that is…

In Jesus Christ… Amen.

Be blessed… Stay tuned for Part 3. Drifting In Mistakes… Such Is Life…

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